Ensuring a fitting farewell
Local
Few people are comfortable discussing funeral plans with loved ones. What happens if you want Catholic ritual as part of your final farewell but children, partners or family members are disconnected from the Church? Funeral director Natasha Siebert shares her advice.
Natasha Siebert is the fifth generation of the Siebert family to own and operate Frank J Siebert Funeral Directors. She’s seen it all in her time, including confusion over how to honour a loved one’s faith.
“The children or next of kin might have been baptised but they’re disconnected from Church now, and it isn’t part of their familiar space and experience,” Natasha says.
“How, as a parent, do you communicate what you want in a non-threatening, loving way?
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“The greatest comfort in the experience of grief is in doing what they wanted.”
Her best piece of advice is to write your wishes down.
“It will ease grief for your loved ones, particularly when kids have different opinions about what mum and dad would have wanted,” Natasha says.
“You solve that problem by writing it. You can simply write it down and say, ‘kids, it’s in the top drawer’ or ‘it’s with my will’. That informal loving act will ease their grief and get you what you want.”
She suggests it can be as simple as writing a letter.
“Put it in a drawer. You don’t have to give it to a funeral director, just write it down, because it will help your family. Do you want a burial or cremation? Do you want it in a particular place? Do you want a religious or a civil service? What do you want to wear? How do you feel about a viewing? How do you feel about a photo eulogy? Do you want donations to go to a particular charity?”
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Natasha has helped many people write such letters.
“Their faith matters to them but their kids express their spirituality differently. One letter was from an incredibly churched couple to their nine children, who are incredibly spiritual in their lovely, eclectic ways, but not traditionally. The parents are very traditional. In this letter, they’re giving their children permission to find a way to express their faith in a way they’re comfortable with. They’re actually giving them permission not to have a funeral in a church.”
Having access to written wishes has the potential to completely change someone’s grief experience.
“If you want to do something a bit more formal, funeral directors have forms you can fill in. We call that a pre-arranged funeral; you sit down with a funeral director and make as many or as few decisions as you like,” she explains.
“You can simply say, ‘I want this church and this priest’. Or you can say, ‘I want this church, this priest, this reading, that hymn, those flowers, and I want to be in that outfit’.
“You can do the whole thing. You can do a little bit. You can work on it over time, and there’s no cost for that. Well, there shouldn’t be.”
Siebert funeral home is well versed in Catholic faith and rituals and works closely with local parishes and priests. An order of service booklet preparation form is also available online.
“Let’s face it, the smaller portion of the population know what a Catholic funeral is,” Natasha says.
“When I sit with a family, I’m able to help them understand things: like the preparation of the liturgy is done with the parish and with the priest. You’ve got to have hymns. You can’t have secular music. We have to use musicians from the parish. We break down the parts of a Mass for them, to help prepare them for when they go and see the priest.”
Natasha recently hosted a workshop with the Sisters of St Joseph to encourage them to give some thought to this.
“Many of them are far too humble to consider themselves important so other people or the congregation will make the decisions. Of course, it will always be done with sensitivity and love but current leadership really wants to know what matters to them.”
Natasha told the Sisters, “your life as a religious person is an open letter from Christ”.
“When you became a religious Sister and you adopted that as your vocation, you decided that you were going to be Christ’s love on Earth. Here is your last love letter from Christ to the people who love you.”
She says it’s the same for people of faith.
“This is your last opportunity to give your family a message about what matters to you and what you want them to know about your faith,” she says.
“You’re actually helping the people you love. You’re planning it so they don’t have that burden.”
Natasha references John 10:10 and the emphasis on the fullness of life.
“Walking through their experience of farewell with their family, from a Christian perspective, should give a person some sense of fullness of life.
“It’s a horrible, sad experience, and I can’t take that away from people, but I can help people feel enriched from their experience of farewell, whatever it looks like. No two funerals look the same, even if they’re both traditional Catholic services.”
There are many ways to incorporate personal touches into a Catholic format.
When Natasha’s sister Anusha (aka Nushi) died at the age of 36 due to breast cancer, they wanted to honour her spark and zest for life.
“When she walked into a room you knew she was there,” Natasha says.
“She put every single ounce of energy she had into every minute of life. She was probably more spiritual than anyone I know, in a very eclectic, eccentric way.”
The family held a Catholic Mass: “It wasn’t traditional, it was a bit of a blend of everything. We took her coffin home and had vigil. We painted and decorated her coffin, put glitter and sequins and stuck pictures on it. I tied bells on the coffin’s handles and her pallbearers were her wonderful, eclectic, spectacular friends. When she got to the church, I told them to ring those bells as they carried her out.”
The family chose not to hand out memorial cards; instead they made laminated stars covered in photos of Anusha.
“We call them ‘Nushi stars’,” Natasha says.
“The little things make a difference. My kids cherish their Nushi star.”
Natasha says there are many little things you can do to make a funeral special.
“One particular lady loved to paint. There was a painting in the family room that the kids had all grown up with…it was ‘Mum’s painting’. So, we had the coffin wrapped in that painting.”
Another woman in her 30s had twins with autism.
“She was dying and she wanted to plan a funeral that would be a memory for her kids forever. Her coffin was covered in pictures of gerberas and her tribute flowers were gerberas. The service was held in a park with picnic rugs and we got butterflies for the two little kids to release. We can do things that fit Catholic tradition, but we can make them beautiful.”
An expression of faith doesn’t necessarily mean rigidity.
“For some families, there is an unwavering need for structure – we find a way to help make it the right structure. We can do that in simple and little ways.
“Now, of course, that depends on the priest. Some priests will work collaboratively with us to help create an experience a family needs. The message the priest helps the bereaved understand is, this isn’t the end; this is the beginning. Life has changed, not ended.”
Another gentleman in his 50s wanted a Catholic funeral.
“His kids were not really churched so it didn’t have meaning for them the way it did for their parents,” Natasha says.
“So, I got a kit and the daughter and I created fingerprints of her dad’s fingers, sent them away, and had them turned into jewellery. We can create moments that have meaning and still have a Catholic funeral.”
Natasha describes it as turning a hexagon into a pentagon.
“It just looks a little different. Having someone who knows the ritual and knows the rules helps that to happen. I would never step on the priest’s toes and I would never step on the toes of a bereavement team. This is their pastoral role to plan, but I plan everything around it and sometimes the things around it make it remarkable.
“The human condition needs an experience of farewell. There are things that can make an experience remarkable and still stick with the Catholic tradition.”