The life of a deacon's wife
People
The role of a deacon’s wife means more than just sharing your husband with the Church – it’s about understanding and supporting a unique ministry. Gordana Crowe talks to KATIE SPAIN about her journey of faith and support.
When orthodontist Dr Paul Crowe felt called to become a deacon later in life, his wife Gordana knew their future would be different.
“When your husband becomes a deacon, you realise that your planned retirement might look very different,” she said.
“They’re signing up for a life of service and they actually have to give up a lot to take it on.”
Paul’s spiritual calling reshaped their family’s journey. Gordana encouraged him every step of the way.
Gordana and Paul at the recent National Deacons Conference in the Adelaide Hills.
His ordination for the Archdiocese of Hobart, just before turning 60, was “a really special moment” for Gordana (pictured).
“I can remember going to the church early with Paul before our kids got there,” she said.
“I was sitting there quietly on my own in a fairly empty church, thinking with some trepidation of what was going to happen.
“Suddenly, I got this incredible feeling of the Holy Spirit putting a hand on my shoulders, sort of saying ‘it will be okay’. It was such a sense of peace because I really didn’t know how it was going to impact our life.
“It was a wonderful ordination. Just beautiful. Paul was so well known in the parish, and it was lovely to see people expressing their love and appreciation that he had taken this step.”
Gordana, who was born in Croatia and grew up in Adelaide, met Paul when he was studying dentistry and later orthodontics there.
“When our last child was in about Grade 9, a friend convinced me to do a course the Josephite Sisters were running in Launceston called a Diploma of Pastoral Ministry. I completed it for my own personal growth and really enjoyed it.
“One day, I was sitting there looking for jobs for my son in the Saturday paper in Launceston and saw a job advertised for a pastoral carer at St Vincent’s and St Luke’s [now Calvary] hospital. I said to Paul, ‘I’m actually qualified to do that.”
Gordana worked there for about nine years and loved it.
“It was really rewarding. I had a great colleague who was a strong Baptist, so our two expressions of spirituality were quite different.
“We used to laugh about all sorts of things and used to debrief a lot with each other, which you certainly need in that kind of job.
“It was, in a way, comforting for me. I learned a lot about how other people approach life, family, and crises in their life. It gave me a real sense that the Holy Spirit works in different ways. It’s not for us to teach people. We can reach out, but it’s totally up to them to accept that hand you offer them in friendship.”
In hindsight, Gordana believes her hospital experiences helped her to be there for others experiencing grief.
“It’s not about what you say to anyone, it’s just about being there for them,” she said.
“People have their own time to grieve; it might be three months, six months, six years or 16 years, but what makes a really huge difference is how they are treated at the time of that loss. “That’s what stays with you a long time,” she said.
After losing two babies before birth, Gordana knows grief well.
“It’s hard, but my little angels are there in heaven,” she said.
“My faith has helped me a huge amount. I don’t know how people do it without faith, because I’ve always had a conviction that we will meet up with our two little girls one day. Faith in the resurrection is a lifeline.”
After 46 years of living and working in Launceston, the couple moved to Adelaide in October 2017 to be near Gordana’s parents.
Paul was appointed to the Cathedral parish and has been there ever since.
He was a convenor of the National Deacons Conference held in Hahndorf in February, and Gordana attended as well.
“During the conference, I observed the people in the room including maybe 70 or so deacons and their wives,” she said.
“I looked at all these deacons in the room and I thought, ‘you know, they’re all very similar. Deacons, more than any other group of people that I can think of, have certain qualities; they’re spiritual which brought them to that point of becoming a deacon.
“They’re generous, they’re happy, they’re kind, and they’re loving of humankind. The qualities I value in Paul are very much present in most of them. In fact, I’ve never met a deacon I didn’t enjoy spending time with.”
Each family, however, is unique.
“Every single family with a husband, father or family member who is a deacon, is as different as any other family out there in the street,” she said.
“There’s nothing that makes us any more cohesive or the same, except that it would be very hard for a man to be a deacon if his wife didn’t support him 100 per cent in what he’s doing.
“That means allowing him to have that freedom to perform his ministry. It’s not just a job; it’s his life. So you’re sharing your husband with the Church.”
Gordana said there’s a desperate need for more young deacons.
“It’s hard for them because they often have young families to raise, and it does take a lot of your time. Paul became a deacon while he was still working, as most deacons do.”
She believes priests need deacons in their parishes because “a deacon straddles both worlds”.
“Even though they are ordained in that role as a deacon, they’re often married, have a family, and are still very much part of the outside world,” she said.
“They’ve got a foot in the world and a foot in the church, whereas for a priest they’re quite separate. They don’t know what it is to pay a mortgage, to pay the light bill, to send kids to school, or to deal with a fractious wife (not that I am!).”
Gordana has observed that people sometimes think deacons are just there for service.
“They’re actually in the service of God,” she said.
“They proclaim the gospel and a huge part of what draws them to the diaconate is scripture. It’s an important part of their ministry. It’s funny that some priests don’t really know what the role of the deacon is.”
It’s not about seeking recognition.
“It would just help the priests and the people if they understood more of the reality of the diaconate, its history, and why we’ve got it now. They’re certainly not there as a replacement for the priests. Deacons are more available to those people who don’t feel part of the church. People will sometimes go to the deacon and ask questions they may not ask a priest, especially if they’re not Catholic.”
Gordana stressed that she doesn’t speak for all the wives.
“We’re so different,” she said. “What we have in common is supporting our husbands to do what they are being called to do.”
